Archive for the ‘feelings’ Category

Mourning the death of a friendship

Posted: December 20, 2012 in feelings, friends, love, rant
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I know I’ve said it before. I know I’ve been there before. 

People leave.

And no circumstances, misunderstandings or any damn reason can justify it. Just, has to fucking happen. It’s the way it is. You love. You lose. End of the story. After all, you cannot force someone to stay with you. 

People fucking leave.

And the funny part is, I had this very same conversation, with the person in question, just a day before the shit when down. “The problem with me, ***, is that I trust people way too easily.” “Don’t we all? You can’t help it.” Can’t help it, my ass. 

Today, I mourn the death of a friendship. One that meant a lot to me. I tried. More that I should have. Silly me. I will still value you. But I won’t stay.

So, goodbye.

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Cocktail Karma

Posted: May 18, 2012 in feelings, friends, love, madness
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It was Ladies Night at her favorite club. And how she loved free drinks. She fought to get everything out of her plate so that she could head there early. Of course, she didn’t care about how she looked. She never did. Her mantra: if you are comfortable, you WILL look good. She lived by it, every single day.

It was almost 8.30 when she rushed out of the office. Hmm, 2 hours to get hammered. So she intended, come what may. Also, it was her first time drinking alone. A little jittery but excited nonetheless. Who needs company when alcohol is by your side. Also, she was looking forward to leching at all the cute boys, open to the idea of getting it on.

It’s right about when the buzz started to kick in and the music got louder. She was in her happy place. She made friends. The only-for-the-night kinds. And there he was. Smiling. Dancing. Drinking. She thought it was innocent. It all starts like this.

She woke up next morning with a throbbing headache. All she remembered of that night was that the drinks never ended. Was she with someone? No, she went there alone. How did she get home? Wait, wasn’t she dancing with a cute boy?

And then she noticed. A needle mark on her arm.

Posted: June 10, 2011 in feelings, madness, random, rant

Its a little scary how I just cant get myself to write anymore. No thought stays in my mind for me to actually put it in words. And that scares me. A little more than I’d like to admit.

Let me rephrase,
It all seems a haze
Faces, places and big spiral mazes
florescent, incandescent – a mighty blaze

Things that hold no meaning
are clutched close to heart
And the ones that did matter
lay crinkled, drenched and homeless.

Pieces of this puzzle
gather dust
While a loud, obnoxious song
blasts in the background.

As my train pulled into the Mumbai Central station, I felt a stab in my heart. This time around, there is no one to pick me up. And how I hate that feeling. It makes me feel somewhat lost. And the journey not quite worth it. But well.

I was moving towards the Taxi stand when I though to ditching it and taking the Local instead. Sun was high and bright though somthing seemed different today. The city seem to be unwelcoming. Is it like that with every soul that wonders to this city to find a place for itself. Dont think so, I scrap my own thoughts.

Maybe its just that the city brings some sour memories back to the surface. Picking on scabs. one might say. Time. I need some time. Till it stops bothering anymore.

Its a strange city. It cradles you as easy as it kicks you in the butt. Though I have been here for almost two years now and the city is now a part of me, I am not quite a part of the city yet.

Wait is till the evening now. There shall be some drinking involved. =)

Sometimes I do wonder if loving anyone at all is worth it, even a bit. I mean, you give it all you’ve got. Love. Forgiveness. Anger. Hate. Expectations. Space. Tolerance. And the likes. You do stuff that you usually wont do for anyone else. You suffer. You cry. You put on a face. Et al. Going completly crazy to see just that one little smile on your loved one’s face. You change. You adjust. You accept. And hopefully so does your loved one. But even if they dont, you somehow accept it. And dont really pay attention to that faint ‘why’ that your brain asks you.

All this for what?! Yea, you have fun while its still there. Great moments. Memories to die for. Memories that make you smile when you think that the world is a dark, dingy place. That perfect something to lift you up. Just a phone call or a hug or a smile makes you feel better.

But in the end, everyone leaves. Either they find someone better or they change and become someone completly different or they simply die on you.

And then what are you left with? Those memories that once were your treasured possessions and now just a reminder that its no more. Or those silly/thoughtful/random gifts that now you don’t know what to do with them. Or just the pages of your diary that so intimately know exactly how much it meant.

Is it really worth it? Thats something I constantly question as I am still trying to get over my 2-year-long relationship that just ended as abruptly as it started. And perhaps, thats one question I will never find an answer to.

But one thing I know for sure, in the end…its just YOU who sticks with you.

I was walking towards my office this morning when, hell late. Well, that’s a usual. There is this ground that I pass that is usually full of garbage or muddy water or some jocks trying to be cool. I usually ignore the site cuz I am always so goddamn late.
And so I intended today. But well, when I got near the ground I heard these PT drums beating and god it reminded me of school. These little girls were bored as hell trying exercise on the beats. And it reminded me of school so bad it wasn’t even funny. I was in my school marching team for 4 years and we had some 5 events every year that fired off with marching bands. We used to practice some 3 hours every day, come rain or shine. Boy, I used to hate it. I particularly remember this time when I was about to faint and this goddamn teacher thought I was faking it. That killed me. It really did. I was ready to slap him. Only, I didn’t. I’m a chicken when it comes to going against teachers. Don’t know why. Anyways, I hated being in the marching team. It’s so useless. And I particularly hated being the flag bearer. I mean it’s not enough to just march on the crumby beats, you for Christ sake had to lead the team.
The entire school hated the marching team. They never saw the point of it. Neither did I. We were always making a fool of ourselves. Bumping into each other all the time. But no matter how much I hated it, when the team opened the goddamn sports day or any damn event, it was swell. Especially when you lead the team to the senior cabin and dip the school flag, the entire staff – including the phony principal and directors, salute you with this ultra proud face. It’s grand, believe me. It really is.
So the entire way to the office I was remembering how grand it all was. I damn near had tears in my eyes. I know it sounds stupid. But I did. Nostalgia can ruin you. Like it ruined my morning.

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If you guys are wondering why the fuck do I sound the way I am sounding, well, sorry to knock off your socks! I am reading ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ by J.D Salinger these days (I know I am a little late in my age to read the book but then it’s all good 😛 ) and its playing nasty games with my head. It really is. I didn’t admit it until this morning when I was actually thinking just like the narrative in the book. Its soo freaky! It had (I swear to god) never happened to me before!
I am still a little disturbed. And I have my goddanm reasons.

A smile may not always be true,
for a keen eye, its an insider clue…

A mirror’s reflection,
A scandalous deception

A victorious sinner,
A dubious winner

A revenge’s satisfaction,
A genuine consolation

A conflicted mind,
A soul great and kind

A receiver’s delight,
Imagination’s flight

A broken hearts struggle,
A lover’s seductive trouble

A smile that never hides,
Always has two sides.