Archive for the ‘feelings’ Category

Mourning the death of a friendship

Posted: December 20, 2012 in feelings, friends, love, rant
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I know I’ve said it before. I know I’ve been there before. 

People leave.

And no circumstances, misunderstandings or any damn reason can justify it. Just, has to fucking happen. It’s the way it is. You love. You lose. End of the story. After all, you cannot force someone to stay with you. 

People fucking leave.

And the funny part is, I had this very same conversation, with the person in question, just a day before the shit when down. “The problem with me, ***, is that I trust people way too easily.” “Don’t we all? You can’t help it.” Can’t help it, my ass. 

Today, I mourn the death of a friendship. One that meant a lot to me. I tried. More that I should have. Silly me. I will still value you. But I won’t stay.

So, goodbye.

Cocktail Karma

Posted: May 18, 2012 in feelings, friends, love, madness
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It was Ladies Night at her favorite club. And how she loved free drinks. She fought to get everything out of her plate so that she could head there early. Of course, she didn’t care about how she looked. She never did. Her mantra: if you are comfortable, you WILL look good. She lived by it, every single day.

It was almost 8.30 when she rushed out of the office. Hmm, 2 hours to get hammered. So she intended, come what may. Also, it was her first time drinking alone. A little jittery but excited nonetheless. Who needs company when alcohol is by your side. Also, she was looking forward to leching at all the cute boys, open to the idea of getting it on.

It’s right about when the buzz started to kick in and the music got louder. She was in her happy place. She made friends. The only-for-the-night kinds. And there he was. Smiling. Dancing. Drinking. She thought it was innocent. It all starts like this.

She woke up next morning with a throbbing headache. All she remembered of that night was that the drinks never ended. Was she with someone? No, she went there alone. How did she get home? Wait, wasn’t she dancing with a cute boy?

And then she noticed. A needle mark on her arm.

Posted: June 10, 2011 in feelings, madness, random, rant

Its a little scary how I just cant get myself to write anymore. No thought stays in my mind for me to actually put it in words. And that scares me. A little more than I’d like to admit.

Let me rephrase,
It all seems a haze
Faces, places and big spiral mazes
florescent, incandescent – a mighty blaze

Things that hold no meaning
are clutched close to heart
And the ones that did matter
lay crinkled, drenched and homeless.

Pieces of this puzzle
gather dust
While a loud, obnoxious song
blasts in the background.

As my train pulled into the Mumbai Central station, I felt a stab in my heart. This time around, there is no one to pick me up. And how I hate that feeling. It makes me feel somewhat lost. And the journey not quite worth it. But well.

I was moving towards the Taxi stand when I though to ditching it and taking the Local instead. Sun was high and bright though somthing seemed different today. The city seem to be unwelcoming. Is it like that with every soul that wonders to this city to find a place for itself. Dont think so, I scrap my own thoughts.

Maybe its just that the city brings some sour memories back to the surface. Picking on scabs. one might say. Time. I need some time. Till it stops bothering anymore.

Its a strange city. It cradles you as easy as it kicks you in the butt. Though I have been here for almost two years now and the city is now a part of me, I am not quite a part of the city yet.

Wait is till the evening now. There shall be some drinking involved. =)

Sometimes I do wonder if loving anyone at all is worth it, even a bit. I mean, you give it all you’ve got. Love. Forgiveness. Anger. Hate. Expectations. Space. Tolerance. And the likes. You do stuff that you usually wont do for anyone else. You suffer. You cry. You put on a face. Et al. Going completly crazy to see just that one little smile on your loved one’s face. You change. You adjust. You accept. And hopefully so does your loved one. But even if they dont, you somehow accept it. And dont really pay attention to that faint ‘why’ that your brain asks you.

All this for what?! Yea, you have fun while its still there. Great moments. Memories to die for. Memories that make you smile when you think that the world is a dark, dingy place. That perfect something to lift you up. Just a phone call or a hug or a smile makes you feel better.

But in the end, everyone leaves. Either they find someone better or they change and become someone completly different or they simply die on you.

And then what are you left with? Those memories that once were your treasured possessions and now just a reminder that its no more. Or those silly/thoughtful/random gifts that now you don’t know what to do with them. Or just the pages of your diary that so intimately know exactly how much it meant.

Is it really worth it? Thats something I constantly question as I am still trying to get over my 2-year-long relationship that just ended as abruptly as it started. And perhaps, thats one question I will never find an answer to.

But one thing I know for sure, in the end…its just YOU who sticks with you.

I was walking towards my office this morning when, hell late. Well, that’s a usual. There is this ground that I pass that is usually full of garbage or muddy water or some jocks trying to be cool. I usually ignore the site cuz I am always so goddamn late.
And so I intended today. But well, when I got near the ground I heard these PT drums beating and god it reminded me of school. These little girls were bored as hell trying exercise on the beats. And it reminded me of school so bad it wasn’t even funny. I was in my school marching team for 4 years and we had some 5 events every year that fired off with marching bands. We used to practice some 3 hours every day, come rain or shine. Boy, I used to hate it. I particularly remember this time when I was about to faint and this goddamn teacher thought I was faking it. That killed me. It really did. I was ready to slap him. Only, I didn’t. I’m a chicken when it comes to going against teachers. Don’t know why. Anyways, I hated being in the marching team. It’s so useless. And I particularly hated being the flag bearer. I mean it’s not enough to just march on the crumby beats, you for Christ sake had to lead the team.
The entire school hated the marching team. They never saw the point of it. Neither did I. We were always making a fool of ourselves. Bumping into each other all the time. But no matter how much I hated it, when the team opened the goddamn sports day or any damn event, it was swell. Especially when you lead the team to the senior cabin and dip the school flag, the entire staff – including the phony principal and directors, salute you with this ultra proud face. It’s grand, believe me. It really is.
So the entire way to the office I was remembering how grand it all was. I damn near had tears in my eyes. I know it sounds stupid. But I did. Nostalgia can ruin you. Like it ruined my morning.

_____________________________________________

If you guys are wondering why the fuck do I sound the way I am sounding, well, sorry to knock off your socks! I am reading ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ by J.D Salinger these days (I know I am a little late in my age to read the book but then it’s all good 😛 ) and its playing nasty games with my head. It really is. I didn’t admit it until this morning when I was actually thinking just like the narrative in the book. Its soo freaky! It had (I swear to god) never happened to me before!
I am still a little disturbed. And I have my goddanm reasons.

A smile may not always be true,
for a keen eye, its an insider clue…

A mirror’s reflection,
A scandalous deception

A victorious sinner,
A dubious winner

A revenge’s satisfaction,
A genuine consolation

A conflicted mind,
A soul great and kind

A receiver’s delight,
Imagination’s flight

A broken hearts struggle,
A lover’s seductive trouble

A smile that never hides,
Always has two sides.

I love this city when it rains. It becomes dreamy. The roads have a thin sheet of glitter. Seems like all the filth and dirt has been washed away. Colorful umbrellas spring out and the air becomes sweet. Like many smile floating about.

But everything seems different than it was last year this time around. I was still studying, madly in love managing a long distance relationship. Parents were still getting over the fact that I had moved out. We, a bunch of twisted, crazy and perfectly happy girls living in Mazda Mansion. A group of friends from all different corners of the country whose friendship had not been diluted with lies, cheat, fights, lust, bitching and conflicting feeling.

Now, I am working- loving every bit of it. No longer in a long distance, but have been swinging between the extremes of complexities and pure affection. Riddhi is back in Delhi and rest of us have bid adieu to Mazda Mansion. Town has been converted into workplace. Friends have broken up. The remaining ones have undercurrents of a billion questions lurking around from every smile and greeting.

The change, that I imagined, itself has changed a lot. I suppose it’s all a part of “Growing up” (which, btw, I never intended to do)

The new season will bring its new charm. Let’s see what the next month has to say…

Out of all the rubbish blabber that constantly escapes my mouth, I sometimes let go of some so genius statements that they make perfect quotable quotes. (Ahem, well, a lil self appreciation never killed anyone…or did it?!)

One of my pure genius moments was shared with Riddhi, 4 o’clock at night (the next day, mind you was a very important presentation) when (according to Riddhi) in a deep hoarse voice I said, “Riddhi, Love happens when you are totally jobless”…!

Well, think about it. If you are in love, think of the moment you fell in love. When in the very typical fairytale way, the world became blurry and all you could see was the love of your life. You gasped to catch your breath and a voice inside you said “This is it! I am in love!” (You sure had enough time to build that oh-so-perfect-moment). If you are not in love, think why you aren’t in love. If you are to reply, that you haven’t found the right one- you obviously aren’t looking hard enough – and that is because, yes its true, YOU ARENT JOBLESS!

You need time to fall in love, right from the first date to the moment you realise that you have actually, finally managed to fall in love (congratulations for that) requires a lot if investment. Investment in terms of time, money, thoughts and face it, dedication! You aren’t, after all, allowed to hitch more fish in the sea.

But then, you must be thinking, what happens when love happens, and god forbid, work too? Loves goes for a toss? Or work flies out the window?

Well, for that, I need another random 4 o’clock musing with Riddhi.

Tonight, after ages, I opened my orkut account. It was flooded with random “friendships” requests from, Jai Kisan, Rajkumar, life is cool, i dont need your attitude–i have mine and weed makes me fly. I visited some random profiles and got extremely bored. It’s funny how quickly we move on (perhaps, Fast track ads are not that distasteful as i think them to be)

So then I decided that my own profile was far more interesting that any other. It was true i guess, Rajkumar did say that ” i like your profile. yu r interesting, sweet, sexy and naughty. accept my request, i will be your friend and make you happy.” hmm…I moved on to my profile’s albums..

It was then that it struck me. Like a bolt. Like an earthquake. Like a feeling when power goes off at the climax of a thriller movie. Like when you are just about to get high and the alcohol is over. My heart sank. It was right there, staring at me. With a victorious smile on his face and a thought bubble that said “you can’t escape me”

NOSTALGIA. In its purest form. Poring out of images captured at moments that don’t ever fail to bring a smile on my face. Only this time, it was accompanied with a heart-sinking, terrible-terrible “those times are over” feeling. Ouch! It wasnt really pleasing.

I went through my entire set of albums. It was like one of those old hindi film flashbacks that just go on and on and you shout ” you senti fucks, get your ass back to the present” (err…wasent very nicely put, was it?) Ahem! moving on *getting back to the subject* I was in a very strange way in a flash back. I was CLEARLY able to remember the story behind every photograph ( considering my mental capacity, believe me, it was a LOT) Wow! I smiled to my self. It is actually over.

At a risk of sounding like a 70-year-old-hanging-on-the-death-bed, I have to admit, Those were the days! Its not like i don’t have fun anymore (the least to say, i have been termed as eating drinking walking sleeping entertainment machine) Its just that extreme comfort feeling, that feeling that ‘i dont care about my career and salary package yet’, that ‘lets bunk and just chill and have smokes’ feeling. It did, believe you me, seem like a long LONG time back! Those photographs reminded my of all those silly moments that we fought over who is going to sit next to whom and lets buy same t-shirts and wear it to college…days of silly secrets about having a crush on your friend and best friends getting pissed off at well, nothing. Days of ‘we meet once in a while and whenever we meet we click pictures’ and ‘upload the best of them online’ (Yes, it might sound like school days…but well, my mental growth is a little slow, i was still very much a school girl when i was in college.)

I miss my friends soo bad that it hurts. On a usual day i am able to put the missing part behind all the current tensions and haphazard-ness of my life. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, just that i, too, have learned the art of running away, hiding things where i cant see them. One tends to live in comfort and tends to think that friends understand, sure they do, if only you make them understand. I feel guilty for being lazy and not dropping a mail once in a while. I feel cheap for not crediting my phone and ringing them a call. I feel bad for missing birthdays. I feel worthless for not being there when they would have needed me. I am sorry guys. cant really say anything more. I hope you guys forgive me ( you are allowed to shower me with abuses and kicks/slaps if you wish)

I don’t remember the reason/ moment that it started fading away. I wonder y I was rude to a friend, was it because he missed me? was it that i felt irritated? i can’t even remember. But i do miss him, despite of all the bullshit that happened between us, despite of all the grief, i really do miss him at times.

I made a mental note to myself before writing this entry – Not to look at pictures at 4 at night. It makes you stay up the rest of the night as well. *sigh*