Archive for the ‘feelings’ Category

I love this city when it rains. It becomes dreamy. The roads have a thin sheet of glitter. Seems like all the filth and dirt has been washed away. Colorful umbrellas spring out and the air becomes sweet. Like many smile floating about.

But everything seems different than it was last year this time around. I was still studying, madly in love managing a long distance relationship. Parents were still getting over the fact that I had moved out. We, a bunch of twisted, crazy and perfectly happy girls living in Mazda Mansion. A group of friends from all different corners of the country whose friendship had not been diluted with lies, cheat, fights, lust, bitching and conflicting feeling.

Now, I am working- loving every bit of it. No longer in a long distance, but have been swinging between the extremes of complexities and pure affection. Riddhi is back in Delhi and rest of us have bid adieu to Mazda Mansion. Town has been converted into workplace. Friends have broken up. The remaining ones have undercurrents of a billion questions lurking around from every smile and greeting.

The change, that I imagined, itself has changed a lot. I suppose it’s all a part of “Growing up” (which, btw, I never intended to do)

The new season will bring its new charm. Let’s see what the next month has to say…

Out of all the rubbish blabber that constantly escapes my mouth, I sometimes let go of some so genius statements that they make perfect quotable quotes. (Ahem, well, a lil self appreciation never killed anyone…or did it?!)

One of my pure genius moments was shared with Riddhi, 4 o’clock at night (the next day, mind you was a very important presentation) when (according to Riddhi) in a deep hoarse voice I said, “Riddhi, Love happens when you are totally jobless”…!

Well, think about it. If you are in love, think of the moment you fell in love. When in the very typical fairytale way, the world became blurry and all you could see was the love of your life. You gasped to catch your breath and a voice inside you said “This is it! I am in love!” (You sure had enough time to build that oh-so-perfect-moment). If you are not in love, think why you aren’t in love. If you are to reply, that you haven’t found the right one- you obviously aren’t looking hard enough – and that is because, yes its true, YOU ARENT JOBLESS!

You need time to fall in love, right from the first date to the moment you realise that you have actually, finally managed to fall in love (congratulations for that) requires a lot if investment. Investment in terms of time, money, thoughts and face it, dedication! You aren’t, after all, allowed to hitch more fish in the sea.

But then, you must be thinking, what happens when love happens, and god forbid, work too? Loves goes for a toss? Or work flies out the window?

Well, for that, I need another random 4 o’clock musing with Riddhi.

Tonight, after ages, I opened my orkut account. It was flooded with random “friendships” requests from, Jai Kisan, Rajkumar, life is cool, i dont need your attitude–i have mine and weed makes me fly. I visited some random profiles and got extremely bored. It’s funny how quickly we move on (perhaps, Fast track ads are not that distasteful as i think them to be)

So then I decided that my own profile was far more interesting that any other. It was true i guess, Rajkumar did say that ” i like your profile. yu r interesting, sweet, sexy and naughty. accept my request, i will be your friend and make you happy.” hmm…I moved on to my profile’s albums..

It was then that it struck me. Like a bolt. Like an earthquake. Like a feeling when power goes off at the climax of a thriller movie. Like when you are just about to get high and the alcohol is over. My heart sank. It was right there, staring at me. With a victorious smile on his face and a thought bubble that said “you can’t escape me”

NOSTALGIA. In its purest form. Poring out of images captured at moments that don’t ever fail to bring a smile on my face. Only this time, it was accompanied with a heart-sinking, terrible-terrible “those times are over” feeling. Ouch! It wasnt really pleasing.

I went through my entire set of albums. It was like one of those old hindi film flashbacks that just go on and on and you shout ” you senti fucks, get your ass back to the present” (err…wasent very nicely put, was it?) Ahem! moving on *getting back to the subject* I was in a very strange way in a flash back. I was CLEARLY able to remember the story behind every photograph ( considering my mental capacity, believe me, it was a LOT) Wow! I smiled to my self. It is actually over.

At a risk of sounding like a 70-year-old-hanging-on-the-death-bed, I have to admit, Those were the days! Its not like i don’t have fun anymore (the least to say, i have been termed as eating drinking walking sleeping entertainment machine) Its just that extreme comfort feeling, that feeling that ‘i dont care about my career and salary package yet’, that ‘lets bunk and just chill and have smokes’ feeling. It did, believe you me, seem like a long LONG time back! Those photographs reminded my of all those silly moments that we fought over who is going to sit next to whom and lets buy same t-shirts and wear it to college…days of silly secrets about having a crush on your friend and best friends getting pissed off at well, nothing. Days of ‘we meet once in a while and whenever we meet we click pictures’ and ‘upload the best of them online’ (Yes, it might sound like school days…but well, my mental growth is a little slow, i was still very much a school girl when i was in college.)

I miss my friends soo bad that it hurts. On a usual day i am able to put the missing part behind all the current tensions and haphazard-ness of my life. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, just that i, too, have learned the art of running away, hiding things where i cant see them. One tends to live in comfort and tends to think that friends understand, sure they do, if only you make them understand. I feel guilty for being lazy and not dropping a mail once in a while. I feel cheap for not crediting my phone and ringing them a call. I feel bad for missing birthdays. I feel worthless for not being there when they would have needed me. I am sorry guys. cant really say anything more. I hope you guys forgive me ( you are allowed to shower me with abuses and kicks/slaps if you wish)

I don’t remember the reason/ moment that it started fading away. I wonder y I was rude to a friend, was it because he missed me? was it that i felt irritated? i can’t even remember. But i do miss him, despite of all the bullshit that happened between us, despite of all the grief, i really do miss him at times.

I made a mental note to myself before writing this entry – Not to look at pictures at 4 at night. It makes you stay up the rest of the night as well. *sigh*