Archive for the ‘friends’ Category

Mourning the death of a friendship

Posted: December 20, 2012 in feelings, friends, love, rant
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I know I’ve said it before. I know I’ve been there before. 

People leave.

And no circumstances, misunderstandings or any damn reason can justify it. Just, has to fucking happen. It’s the way it is. You love. You lose. End of the story. After all, you cannot force someone to stay with you. 

People fucking leave.

And the funny part is, I had this very same conversation, with the person in question, just a day before the shit when down. “The problem with me, ***, is that I trust people way too easily.” “Don’t we all? You can’t help it.” Can’t help it, my ass. 

Today, I mourn the death of a friendship. One that meant a lot to me. I tried. More that I should have. Silly me. I will still value you. But I won’t stay.

So, goodbye.

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Cocktail Karma

Posted: May 18, 2012 in feelings, friends, love, madness
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It was Ladies Night at her favorite club. And how she loved free drinks. She fought to get everything out of her plate so that she could head there early. Of course, she didn’t care about how she looked. She never did. Her mantra: if you are comfortable, you WILL look good. She lived by it, every single day.

It was almost 8.30 when she rushed out of the office. Hmm, 2 hours to get hammered. So she intended, come what may. Also, it was her first time drinking alone. A little jittery but excited nonetheless. Who needs company when alcohol is by your side. Also, she was looking forward to leching at all the cute boys, open to the idea of getting it on.

It’s right about when the buzz started to kick in and the music got louder. She was in her happy place. She made friends. The only-for-the-night kinds. And there he was. Smiling. Dancing. Drinking. She thought it was innocent. It all starts like this.

She woke up next morning with a throbbing headache. All she remembered of that night was that the drinks never ended. Was she with someone? No, she went there alone. How did she get home? Wait, wasn’t she dancing with a cute boy?

And then she noticed. A needle mark on her arm.

I love this city when it rains. It becomes dreamy. The roads have a thin sheet of glitter. Seems like all the filth and dirt has been washed away. Colorful umbrellas spring out and the air becomes sweet. Like many smile floating about.

But everything seems different than it was last year this time around. I was still studying, madly in love managing a long distance relationship. Parents were still getting over the fact that I had moved out. We, a bunch of twisted, crazy and perfectly happy girls living in Mazda Mansion. A group of friends from all different corners of the country whose friendship had not been diluted with lies, cheat, fights, lust, bitching and conflicting feeling.

Now, I am working- loving every bit of it. No longer in a long distance, but have been swinging between the extremes of complexities and pure affection. Riddhi is back in Delhi and rest of us have bid adieu to Mazda Mansion. Town has been converted into workplace. Friends have broken up. The remaining ones have undercurrents of a billion questions lurking around from every smile and greeting.

The change, that I imagined, itself has changed a lot. I suppose it’s all a part of “Growing up” (which, btw, I never intended to do)

The new season will bring its new charm. Let’s see what the next month has to say…

Out of all the rubbish blabber that constantly escapes my mouth, I sometimes let go of some so genius statements that they make perfect quotable quotes. (Ahem, well, a lil self appreciation never killed anyone…or did it?!)

One of my pure genius moments was shared with Riddhi, 4 o’clock at night (the next day, mind you was a very important presentation) when (according to Riddhi) in a deep hoarse voice I said, “Riddhi, Love happens when you are totally jobless”…!

Well, think about it. If you are in love, think of the moment you fell in love. When in the very typical fairytale way, the world became blurry and all you could see was the love of your life. You gasped to catch your breath and a voice inside you said “This is it! I am in love!” (You sure had enough time to build that oh-so-perfect-moment). If you are not in love, think why you aren’t in love. If you are to reply, that you haven’t found the right one- you obviously aren’t looking hard enough – and that is because, yes its true, YOU ARENT JOBLESS!

You need time to fall in love, right from the first date to the moment you realise that you have actually, finally managed to fall in love (congratulations for that) requires a lot if investment. Investment in terms of time, money, thoughts and face it, dedication! You aren’t, after all, allowed to hitch more fish in the sea.

But then, you must be thinking, what happens when love happens, and god forbid, work too? Loves goes for a toss? Or work flies out the window?

Well, for that, I need another random 4 o’clock musing with Riddhi.

Tonight, after ages, I opened my orkut account. It was flooded with random “friendships” requests from, Jai Kisan, Rajkumar, life is cool, i dont need your attitude–i have mine and weed makes me fly. I visited some random profiles and got extremely bored. It’s funny how quickly we move on (perhaps, Fast track ads are not that distasteful as i think them to be)

So then I decided that my own profile was far more interesting that any other. It was true i guess, Rajkumar did say that ” i like your profile. yu r interesting, sweet, sexy and naughty. accept my request, i will be your friend and make you happy.” hmm…I moved on to my profile’s albums..

It was then that it struck me. Like a bolt. Like an earthquake. Like a feeling when power goes off at the climax of a thriller movie. Like when you are just about to get high and the alcohol is over. My heart sank. It was right there, staring at me. With a victorious smile on his face and a thought bubble that said “you can’t escape me”

NOSTALGIA. In its purest form. Poring out of images captured at moments that don’t ever fail to bring a smile on my face. Only this time, it was accompanied with a heart-sinking, terrible-terrible “those times are over” feeling. Ouch! It wasnt really pleasing.

I went through my entire set of albums. It was like one of those old hindi film flashbacks that just go on and on and you shout ” you senti fucks, get your ass back to the present” (err…wasent very nicely put, was it?) Ahem! moving on *getting back to the subject* I was in a very strange way in a flash back. I was CLEARLY able to remember the story behind every photograph ( considering my mental capacity, believe me, it was a LOT) Wow! I smiled to my self. It is actually over.

At a risk of sounding like a 70-year-old-hanging-on-the-death-bed, I have to admit, Those were the days! Its not like i don’t have fun anymore (the least to say, i have been termed as eating drinking walking sleeping entertainment machine) Its just that extreme comfort feeling, that feeling that ‘i dont care about my career and salary package yet’, that ‘lets bunk and just chill and have smokes’ feeling. It did, believe you me, seem like a long LONG time back! Those photographs reminded my of all those silly moments that we fought over who is going to sit next to whom and lets buy same t-shirts and wear it to college…days of silly secrets about having a crush on your friend and best friends getting pissed off at well, nothing. Days of ‘we meet once in a while and whenever we meet we click pictures’ and ‘upload the best of them online’ (Yes, it might sound like school days…but well, my mental growth is a little slow, i was still very much a school girl when i was in college.)

I miss my friends soo bad that it hurts. On a usual day i am able to put the missing part behind all the current tensions and haphazard-ness of my life. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, just that i, too, have learned the art of running away, hiding things where i cant see them. One tends to live in comfort and tends to think that friends understand, sure they do, if only you make them understand. I feel guilty for being lazy and not dropping a mail once in a while. I feel cheap for not crediting my phone and ringing them a call. I feel bad for missing birthdays. I feel worthless for not being there when they would have needed me. I am sorry guys. cant really say anything more. I hope you guys forgive me ( you are allowed to shower me with abuses and kicks/slaps if you wish)

I don’t remember the reason/ moment that it started fading away. I wonder y I was rude to a friend, was it because he missed me? was it that i felt irritated? i can’t even remember. But i do miss him, despite of all the bullshit that happened between us, despite of all the grief, i really do miss him at times.

I made a mental note to myself before writing this entry – Not to look at pictures at 4 at night. It makes you stay up the rest of the night as well. *sigh*

So i have been fried out of my brain making a portfolio so that some company sees my talent and hires me. My friends appreciate my work, so does all the other ones whom i cant really call my friends. More than anything, I feel confident (and somewhat proud) about my so called “dummy advertisements” writings and artwork. I know they have, well, turned out quite decent. Burning the night oil hasn’t gone to waste. (psstt: have been sleeping around 5-5:30 in the morning since the last week)

Like usual. I slept at 5 in the morning, after completing the portfolio, making sure “all izz well”. Woke up 3 hours later, got ready…blah blah blah (skipping the unnecessary details) went for the interview. Like its been my entire life, just before some major event, my tummy decides to take revenge and declares war with me , today morning was no different. With that queasy feeling in my tummy, hibernated brain and formal attire i managed to reach the place. Mental attitude: I have to do it!

I saw my fellow classmates sitting there engaged in casual discussion whether an indian suit is considered formal or not, when i greeted them. Having already given the interview, they tell me its a piece of cake. Cool! I was quite hungry!

When the calling came, I was quite confident ( my rebellious tummy and hibernated mind agreed to co-operate, thank goodness, I was afraid I might let out a smelly one). Anyways, the HR lady looks at my CV which had my picture on it and says ” Oh! Nice picture!” to which i responded with a bright smile and thank you. She looked up then to confirm that that picture was really mine…and said : “You look nicer in the picture” WHAT! Great PR skills Ma’am! That was really professional!

She went on to ask me what branding means to me, how I feel about bands, what brands do I follow ( all the stuff that I am sure, you don’t want to know) I gave her honest answers, blah blah-ed (which I am quite an expert at) and it was time for the other candidates.

So I wait outside, thinking they would have got an idea about how my mind functions, and how I tend to look at things differently and not in the Phillip Kotler way. Creativity, as they put it in the Job Profile ,was an add-on advantage. I smiled.

I saw the HR lady’s face again, (with that trained warm smile) when she stepped out of the office to have a chat with me. “Shruti, I really like you view points and opinions on brands. I’ve hardly come across people who make the black and white so interesting” (ah! I smirked in my head) ” I also see that you follow a lot of brands and know what goes into positioning them the way they are” I agreed with a smile and a nod “you have a very impressive portfolio, those ads are really great” ( Voohoo!)….”but Shruti..” ( Oh god! Not the “BUT”) …”you are too creative for the job“…!

Moral of the story: in an Interview, Jargon, Quotations and Definitions matters, not your god damn skills that “make the black and white so interesting”