Archive for the ‘love’ Category

Mourning the death of a friendship

Posted: December 20, 2012 in feelings, friends, love, rant
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I know I’ve said it before. I know I’ve been there before. 

People leave.

And no circumstances, misunderstandings or any damn reason can justify it. Just, has to fucking happen. It’s the way it is. You love. You lose. End of the story. After all, you cannot force someone to stay with you. 

People fucking leave.

And the funny part is, I had this very same conversation, with the person in question, just a day before the shit when down. “The problem with me, ***, is that I trust people way too easily.” “Don’t we all? You can’t help it.” Can’t help it, my ass. 

Today, I mourn the death of a friendship. One that meant a lot to me. I tried. More that I should have. Silly me. I will still value you. But I won’t stay.

So, goodbye.

Cocktail Karma

Posted: May 18, 2012 in feelings, friends, love, madness
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It was Ladies Night at her favorite club. And how she loved free drinks. She fought to get everything out of her plate so that she could head there early. Of course, she didn’t care about how she looked. She never did. Her mantra: if you are comfortable, you WILL look good. She lived by it, every single day.

It was almost 8.30 when she rushed out of the office. Hmm, 2 hours to get hammered. So she intended, come what may. Also, it was her first time drinking alone. A little jittery but excited nonetheless. Who needs company when alcohol is by your side. Also, she was looking forward to leching at all the cute boys, open to the idea of getting it on.

It’s right about when the buzz started to kick in and the music got louder. She was in her happy place. She made friends. The only-for-the-night kinds. And there he was. Smiling. Dancing. Drinking. She thought it was innocent. It all starts like this.

She woke up next morning with a throbbing headache. All she remembered of that night was that the drinks never ended. Was she with someone? No, she went there alone. How did she get home? Wait, wasn’t she dancing with a cute boy?

And then she noticed. A needle mark on her arm.

Sometimes I do wonder if loving anyone at all is worth it, even a bit. I mean, you give it all you’ve got. Love. Forgiveness. Anger. Hate. Expectations. Space. Tolerance. And the likes. You do stuff that you usually wont do for anyone else. You suffer. You cry. You put on a face. Et al. Going completly crazy to see just that one little smile on your loved one’s face. You change. You adjust. You accept. And hopefully so does your loved one. But even if they dont, you somehow accept it. And dont really pay attention to that faint ‘why’ that your brain asks you.

All this for what?! Yea, you have fun while its still there. Great moments. Memories to die for. Memories that make you smile when you think that the world is a dark, dingy place. That perfect something to lift you up. Just a phone call or a hug or a smile makes you feel better.

But in the end, everyone leaves. Either they find someone better or they change and become someone completly different or they simply die on you.

And then what are you left with? Those memories that once were your treasured possessions and now just a reminder that its no more. Or those silly/thoughtful/random gifts that now you don’t know what to do with them. Or just the pages of your diary that so intimately know exactly how much it meant.

Is it really worth it? Thats something I constantly question as I am still trying to get over my 2-year-long relationship that just ended as abruptly as it started. And perhaps, thats one question I will never find an answer to.

But one thing I know for sure, in the end…its just YOU who sticks with you.

You and I were holding hands. As pleasant as life could be. Burst of colours and sounds. Sweet smell filled the air with a certain cheer. And you looked at me and smiled.

A small boy came tagging along. With a small paper bird in his hand. Green and red. Just five rupees didi. Innocence in its purest form. I held my hand out with a shiny coin on my palm. His eyes lit up. The bird was mine and the joy his. And then he ran to his mom standing at the other end of what seemed a euphoric world.

Bangles. Linen. Sizzle of a chaat shop. But you stop for a cutting, and buy me one. I smile at you. And you touch my cheek. I try to hide my blush behind my chaai. But you know it too well.

You take my hand again and began the mad walk. A chaotic, busy rush like a trail of a child’s mind. Cryptic and twisted. Full of sights and pleasures and faces. But I just follow yours.

Someone taps on my shoulder then. And I look around. And find no one. A frown crosses my face. And I search though the sea of faces to find the one who needed me. But in vain.

And then I turn around. And you were gone.

Dear Love,

Posted: December 13, 2010 in love, madness

And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

Love,

Love!

A smile may not always be true,
for a keen eye, its an insider clue…

A mirror’s reflection,
A scandalous deception

A victorious sinner,
A dubious winner

A revenge’s satisfaction,
A genuine consolation

A conflicted mind,
A soul great and kind

A receiver’s delight,
Imagination’s flight

A broken hearts struggle,
A lover’s seductive trouble

A smile that never hides,
Always has two sides.

YOU

Posted: July 29, 2010 in blah, love, madness, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

My hands smell of you. Isn’t that odd?!

Thanks for yesterday by the way, I really needed the madness. It was fun. Like it’s always been.

I miss the dog! Such big brown eyes! Aww…such a darling. I cant wait for the day I pet a dog or a cat. But you already knew that.

🙂

I am still in awe. Your words still ring on my ears…
“Isn’t it awesome that we have been together one and a half-year and still we have SOO much fun all the time?!”

I love you!

The merciless rain falls outside,
There is a thunder brewing in the distance
Pair of blank eyes peep outside the window,
They too have a story to tell
—————–

The sky speaks to me today
It sings the songs of love
Like blessings floating in the air
A pair of hearts longing in despair

—————–

Are these tears,
Or tiny diamonds my love,
A happy soul’s sorrowed ache,
Or a gloomy hearts gleam

—————–

The gentle wind that blows
Keeps the demons at bay
I wonder what happens
When you too, dear friend, betray

—————–

The ocean twists and churns,
it too had anger hidden inside,
Its not a day for mercy,
The heavens stand witness
Of this furious play

—————–

A warm embrace
A gust of cold wind
Sent of sweet love
The heaven surrounds you in

—————–

A hand longing to be held,
A pair of lips quivered,
Alone a heart wept
Alone a heart wept…

—————–

Out of all the rubbish blabber that constantly escapes my mouth, I sometimes let go of some so genius statements that they make perfect quotable quotes. (Ahem, well, a lil self appreciation never killed anyone…or did it?!)

One of my pure genius moments was shared with Riddhi, 4 o’clock at night (the next day, mind you was a very important presentation) when (according to Riddhi) in a deep hoarse voice I said, “Riddhi, Love happens when you are totally jobless”…!

Well, think about it. If you are in love, think of the moment you fell in love. When in the very typical fairytale way, the world became blurry and all you could see was the love of your life. You gasped to catch your breath and a voice inside you said “This is it! I am in love!” (You sure had enough time to build that oh-so-perfect-moment). If you are not in love, think why you aren’t in love. If you are to reply, that you haven’t found the right one- you obviously aren’t looking hard enough – and that is because, yes its true, YOU ARENT JOBLESS!

You need time to fall in love, right from the first date to the moment you realise that you have actually, finally managed to fall in love (congratulations for that) requires a lot if investment. Investment in terms of time, money, thoughts and face it, dedication! You aren’t, after all, allowed to hitch more fish in the sea.

But then, you must be thinking, what happens when love happens, and god forbid, work too? Loves goes for a toss? Or work flies out the window?

Well, for that, I need another random 4 o’clock musing with Riddhi.

Tonight, after ages, I opened my orkut account. It was flooded with random “friendships” requests from, Jai Kisan, Rajkumar, life is cool, i dont need your attitude–i have mine and weed makes me fly. I visited some random profiles and got extremely bored. It’s funny how quickly we move on (perhaps, Fast track ads are not that distasteful as i think them to be)

So then I decided that my own profile was far more interesting that any other. It was true i guess, Rajkumar did say that ” i like your profile. yu r interesting, sweet, sexy and naughty. accept my request, i will be your friend and make you happy.” hmm…I moved on to my profile’s albums..

It was then that it struck me. Like a bolt. Like an earthquake. Like a feeling when power goes off at the climax of a thriller movie. Like when you are just about to get high and the alcohol is over. My heart sank. It was right there, staring at me. With a victorious smile on his face and a thought bubble that said “you can’t escape me”

NOSTALGIA. In its purest form. Poring out of images captured at moments that don’t ever fail to bring a smile on my face. Only this time, it was accompanied with a heart-sinking, terrible-terrible “those times are over” feeling. Ouch! It wasnt really pleasing.

I went through my entire set of albums. It was like one of those old hindi film flashbacks that just go on and on and you shout ” you senti fucks, get your ass back to the present” (err…wasent very nicely put, was it?) Ahem! moving on *getting back to the subject* I was in a very strange way in a flash back. I was CLEARLY able to remember the story behind every photograph ( considering my mental capacity, believe me, it was a LOT) Wow! I smiled to my self. It is actually over.

At a risk of sounding like a 70-year-old-hanging-on-the-death-bed, I have to admit, Those were the days! Its not like i don’t have fun anymore (the least to say, i have been termed as eating drinking walking sleeping entertainment machine) Its just that extreme comfort feeling, that feeling that ‘i dont care about my career and salary package yet’, that ‘lets bunk and just chill and have smokes’ feeling. It did, believe you me, seem like a long LONG time back! Those photographs reminded my of all those silly moments that we fought over who is going to sit next to whom and lets buy same t-shirts and wear it to college…days of silly secrets about having a crush on your friend and best friends getting pissed off at well, nothing. Days of ‘we meet once in a while and whenever we meet we click pictures’ and ‘upload the best of them online’ (Yes, it might sound like school days…but well, my mental growth is a little slow, i was still very much a school girl when i was in college.)

I miss my friends soo bad that it hurts. On a usual day i am able to put the missing part behind all the current tensions and haphazard-ness of my life. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, just that i, too, have learned the art of running away, hiding things where i cant see them. One tends to live in comfort and tends to think that friends understand, sure they do, if only you make them understand. I feel guilty for being lazy and not dropping a mail once in a while. I feel cheap for not crediting my phone and ringing them a call. I feel bad for missing birthdays. I feel worthless for not being there when they would have needed me. I am sorry guys. cant really say anything more. I hope you guys forgive me ( you are allowed to shower me with abuses and kicks/slaps if you wish)

I don’t remember the reason/ moment that it started fading away. I wonder y I was rude to a friend, was it because he missed me? was it that i felt irritated? i can’t even remember. But i do miss him, despite of all the bullshit that happened between us, despite of all the grief, i really do miss him at times.

I made a mental note to myself before writing this entry – Not to look at pictures at 4 at night. It makes you stay up the rest of the night as well. *sigh*