It was early in the month of March. Location – Juhu, Mumbai. One of those typical days when my roommates had gone off to sleep and I was enjoying the momentary peace, sitting by the window. I was lost somewhere so deep in my thoughts that it was becoming difficult for me to keep a track of them. And then like someone clubbed me in the head, it struck me that I am not half as awesome as I thought I would be. Let me rewind a few years.
When I was about 15-16, I was living in small town (Ghaziabad) near Delhi. I was a dreamer. I would often imagine what life would be like when I am older. This is how it was in my head. At the age of 24/25, I would be
- A performing artist (dancer/theatre actor)
- Living independently
- Visit home frequently
- Earning enough money to travel (frequently)
- Actively perusing photography as a hobby
- Content yet ambitious
- Somewhat known
Yes, I know we all have stupid expectations from life. But I guess I am still that stupid, for when I snapped back from my flashback, I fell into a bout of depression. This is what my life really was
- Copywriter (Advertising whore)
- Struggling to live independently
- Struggling to manage expenses (forget about having some extra cash)
- Abusing my body on account of stress
- Abusing my body in the name of unwinding
- A no-body struggler in Bombay
It’s true that being in Bombay was a dream and I am still proud that I made it. (Let’s leave that story for sometime else.) I romanticised the idea of struggling in Bombay to make myself a name. Yes, I didn’t mind the struggle because what Bombay gave me was way too precious – Freedom. And I under-used and abused it equally. But it was then that the realization struck me that I was stuck in a rut. And this feeling ate me up for a couple of months.
I decided it was time for a change. And it had to start with the change of the city. I left Bombay with a heavy heart and a strong intuition that I will be back.
I have made other changes too and am in the process of figuring out some more. It’s been about three weeks that I have been back home and not a single day passes when I don’t question my decision. For I still don’t know where I am heading. But I took the plunge. I still don’t know if what I have done is right or not. But somehow it felt that it needed to be done.