Lost and not yet found

Posted: June 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

It was early in the month of March. Location – Juhu, Mumbai.  One of those typical days when my roommates had gone off to sleep and I was enjoying the momentary peace, sitting by the window. I was lost somewhere so deep in my thoughts that it was becoming difficult for me to keep a track of them. And then like someone clubbed me in the head, it struck me that I am not half as awesome as I thought I would be. Let me rewind a few years.

When I was about 15-16, I was living in small town (Ghaziabad) near Delhi. I was a dreamer. I would often imagine what life would be like when I am older. This is how it was in my head. At the age of 24/25, I would be

  • A performing artist (dancer/theatre actor)
  • Living independently
  • Visit home frequently
  • Earning enough money to travel (frequently)
  • Actively perusing photography as a hobby
  • Content yet ambitious
  • Stunning
  • Somewhat known

Yes, I know we all have stupid expectations from life. But I guess I am still that stupid, for when I snapped back from my flashback, I fell into a bout of depression. This is what my life really was

  • Copywriter (Advertising whore)
  • Struggling to live independently
  • Struggling to manage expenses (forget about having some extra cash)
  • Abusing my body on account of stress
  • Abusing my body in the name of unwinding
  • A no-body struggler in Bombay

It’s true that being in Bombay was a dream and I am still proud that I made it. (Let’s leave that story for sometime else.) I romanticised the idea of struggling in Bombay to make myself a name. Yes, I didn’t mind the struggle because what Bombay gave me was way too precious – Freedom. And I under-used and abused it equally. But it was then that the realization struck me that I was stuck in a rut. And this feeling ate me up for a couple of months.

I decided it was time for a change. And it had to start with the change of the city. I left Bombay with a heavy heart and a strong intuition that I will be back.

I have made other changes too and am in the process of figuring out some more. It’s been about three weeks that I have been back home and not a single day passes when I don’t question my decision. For I still don’t know where I am heading. But I took the plunge. I still don’t know if what I have done is right or not. But somehow it felt that it needed to be done.


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